


Battlefield

by SMarley



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, Situation comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:17:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7098670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMarley/pseuds/SMarley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why does love always feel like a battlefield? The story of Jack and Gwen figuring it out in a very unexpected way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act One or “If you have problems at work, solve them at work!”

**Author's Note:**

> Was written for a friend who, just as me, was sure that there was something going on between Jack and Gwen. I listened to Battlefield by Jordin Sparks while working on this funny story.

And I will! Because Jack won’t jabber nonstop about children, spreading a piece of table-cloth out on the lawn, when all Hell breaks loose! I didn’t run, I rather flew up the stairs and jerked the glass door of Jack’s office towards myself. I seemed to have done this only to catch him making out with Ianto. _Yes, men are assholes, sure thing. But we women aren’t all peaches and cream, by the way._ Having darted out of the office, I grabbed the first chair within my reach and, not understanding myself what I was doing, threw it at… _Oh, fuck!_

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ _God, why my head is aching so much… I didn’t drink nor did I smash it against anything. Wait a second... Where is my hair? And my nose isn’t like this one. Why do I have a dimple on my chin and a bristle on my cheeks? Hey, where are my boobs?! And what the hell is this in my trousers… WHAAAAT?!!!!!!_ I jumped up and started searching for a mirror. On the way, I bumped into something and swore aloud… in a male voice.

“Jack, couldn’t you sometimes watch where you’re going?” Somebody groaned. “I, of course, like your brutality, but there is really no need to step on me.”

I looked down. In bluish twilight of emergency lighting that had turned on right after the explosion or short circuit – or who the hell knows what had happened after the chair went up in the air… _Shit, don’t get distracted, Gwen…_ I made out slightly confused face of Ianto Jones who had just called me Jack.

“Don’t fucking lie here!” I snarled and immediately after, having recognised the voice produced by my throat, pressed both of my hands to my mouth.

“Jack, are you okay?” Ianto asked in surprise.

“Where is the mirror?” I squeaked chokingly.

He looked at me as if I’d gone completely nuts, then he pointed at the door across the room from the door through which we all came in. I rushed there and found myself in Captain Harkness’ living quarters. It was pitch dark here. Trying to find what I needed, I tossed things in all directions. _Who cares about order and manners when, pardon my French, everyone mistakes you for your boss and there is something unnecessary between your legs, which is fucking impeding, to say the least._

“Hey, you!” Someone snapped at me shrilly. “You’re not at your home!”

Having recognised this voice as well, I turned round slowly and on the threshold of the room, I saw… myself. As if from aside. _Ouch, I had no idea that I’m that short… But wait a minute! If I stand there… who the hell stands here?!_ The answer came on its own, and I fell on the floor in exhaustion. Right onto something not especially… _Khm…_

“Gwen!” My body yelled even more shrilly. “Be careful with my ass!”


	2. Act Two or “Don’t bring my bloody hormones into this, Mr Jack Harkness!”

_Oh, these women… And isn’t this… on the chest… impending, huh… Can’t sit down, can’t get up, can’t make a step, it jerks and shakes… all the time. No, why does she wear clothes with such low necks? Though, from this angle, it’s very cool to look inside. Damn, I had no idea that Gwen’s boobs are so beautiful. Ianto’s ass is okay, too, but Gwen’s boobs I like better, all the same. Interestingly, what it is like by touch…_

“Jack!” The man standing opposite me yelled. “Don’t you dare paw my boobs!”

“Well, let me remind you that thanks to you, at the moment, those are my boobs,” I remarked caustically.

Leaning against the door with his back, Ianto rolled his eyes in a suffering manner. _Well, yes, a cyborg in the basement and the boss who’s sexually obsessed with his ass are all normal for him, but a man and a woman who had swapped bodies are the end of the world. Still, I suspect that he’s just jealous. And I do understand him. I seem, from whichever way one may look at me, to be a real hunk. Should I ask Gwen to turn her back upon me… When will I else have this unique chance to scrutinise my own ass…_

The ringtone of the mobile phone in the pocket of my jacket made me jump up nervously in the chair. _Not my fault, it did it on its own. The body, that is. Why are my hands shaking, huh? Well, it’s just a phone. Okay, it’s ringing. Why would I be so nervous? Wow, my hands have sweated._

“It’s Rhys,” I stated not in my – literally – voice as I saw the name on the phone’s display.

“Don’t answer!” Captain Jack Harkness who stood two steps away from my desk yelped in panic.

Instead, I – insidiously, I hope, because Gwen, in my opinion, can’t do it at all – smiling, pressed the button and put the phone to my ear.

“Gwen, honey, I’m so sorry I’ve overreacted…” Mr Gwen Cooper whined in a hurry. “It’s late, come home, I can’t fall asleep without you…”

I flinched. _Well, it wasn’t me, the body did it. Well, you understand, right? Wow, I thought that Gwen is crazy about her newly-fledged husband. I’ve never really understood what she’s seen in him. No character, no appearance, no brains. Not me, shortly, yes._

“I’ll be home soon, darling,” I cooled, “And with me, you won’t sleep tonight for damn sure.”

“I’m waiting for you right in bed, then,” Rhys replied languishingly, and I – against my will again – flinched as I hang up. _Having sex with him… let him jump on me…. Ugh…_

“It’s done,” I smiled widely as I spread my arms.

“You son of a bitch!” My body made two steps towards me and hit me right in the face. Gwen, that is.


	3. Act Three or “I love him, but now like I love you…”

“Oh, my God, what have I done…” I groaned after falling down again.

“Gwen, I can call Rhys back in five minutes and say that we have some pressing issue and you will come home only tomorrow at night?” Ianto offered as he squatted beside me. “Twenty-four hours are more than enough to think up how to make you and Jack exchange your bodies back.”

“I’ve smashed my own nose just now!” I growled hysterically, crying a river, and pointed at the female body prostrated on the floor. “And what will I do now?! Jack is immortal, everything is like water off a duck’s back for him, but I will remain ugly for good!!!!!!!!”

“Hush, hush…” Ianto rubbed his hand over my back in order to calm me down.

Strangely enough, but my – or rather not mine, Jack’s – body didn’t react to it in any way. And my – or rather not mine, temporally, that is – chest let out a heavy sigh. Of tiredness or of being doomed. _Why, interestingly, does it sigh so?! He sleeps with him, by the way! Nobody forced him to. Weird…_

“Okay, that’s enough,” I straightened up, irritated. “We need to stop the bleeding until I bleed out and remain locked up in Jack’s body forever.”

“I’ll carry Gwen… Jack, I mean onto the sofa.” Ianto volunteered. “You go find the first aid kit.”

 _He will carry me to the sofa?! Like hell he will! I’m not a cup of coffee for his beloved boss!_ I jumped at my feet momentarily. And not as fast as usual because whether Jack is immortal or not, his knees has already started letting him down. _Yes, it’s no fun getting old._

“You go find the first aid kit,” I commanded in a categorical voice. “I’ll carry myself.”

“Are you sure?” Ianto glanced at me with doubt.

_A beanpole is always a beanpole, honestly. Zero intelligence in both his eyes and his head, but his ass is more pleasing for Jack than mine. Dear God, there is no way to please men: at first, they want big boobs, then they want small ass! There is no happiness in this life._

“Yes!” I cut short and headed to my body.

I’d thought that it would be difficult: I’ve never carried girls in my arms before, it was me who was carried usually. Not by girls, by men. But it was easy – to pick up from the floor and carry. What was hard was not to strike against furniture in so doing and place myself down on the sofa carefully. _I don’t know myself why I was so worried about that. Well, no, it wasn’t me, it was this body._ And it, to my greatest surprise, sat down on the sofa by my body on its own. _Seemingly, he just likes to be around me._

“Here’s the first aid kit,” Ianto said when he came back and held it out to me.

There was open displeasure in his voice. He tried to supress it, but I caught it, none the less. Jack’s body heard it, too, and laughed inside. This boy entertained him. He didn’t take him seriously. It surprised me, but what surprised me even more than that was how carefully male fingers were wiping the blood off my face. And how glad this body was when my body opened its eyes.


	4. Act Four or “You’re not gay by any chance, are you?”

_What a woman… At first, she slams the door and turns off the lights, then she places my ass right onto… Okay, it’s irrelevant information… After that, she yells at me and gives me a slap across the face for being saved from answering to her husband’s call with the use of my voice, and now she sits by my side and looks at me… with my own enamoured eyes. Oh, no, it can’t be how I look at her…_

“You do think that you can do whatever you please, right?!” Gwen screamed. “Just when my life has finally started sorting itself out, you’ve ruined everything again!”

_Here we go again. Why she always goes to extremes?! Why can’t we just talk calmly for at least five minutes as normal people do?! No, she’ll surely drive me mad one day. One can’t be such an unbearably unpredictable… hysteric woman._

“Everything?!” I hardly could believe my own ears. “What exactly?! You’ve married your limp in the upshot! By the way, he’d better lose weight and stop pretending to be a little boy whose mummy has abandoned him!”

“You sleep with your goggle-eyed beanpole!” She talked back aggressively. “What did you find in him, I don’t understand?! You’re not interested in him one bit!”

I wanted to reply yet maintained a discreet silence instead. _Who knows her, this crazy woman… What will she take in her head in five minutes… Definitely, a lot, I know myself – or rather my body… If she figured out all about Ianto and me, she will figure out the rest quite soon. May be damned that day when you stormed into my life, Gwen Cooper! But why am I so happy? Why my head is spinning? And my heart is ready to jump out of my chest. No, what’s going on with me – or rather him, or rather her… oh, whomever…_

“I can’t believe it!” Gwen clasped her hands. “For a change, Captain Jack Harkness has nothing to say. Or you’ve got cold feet again?”

“But you like it,” I noticed quietly.

“What exactly?” She didn’t understand straight away.

“This,” having grabbed my own body by the shirt front, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed myself. _An intriguing feeling, what can I say._ “You like it, don’t you?”

“You like it even more…” She parried with my self-satisfied grin. “And, you know, in my opinion, we should keep doing this…”

_Well, who would be against it, really. Still, I have to admit that it’s monstrously uncomfortable to play black instead of white all the more so a body is a body and a consciousness is a consciousness, but it always seems to me that I have to be in charge and on top of her. And she has to be under me. Poor sofa. Poor we. And this damned clothes… Who would imagine that taking female underwear off myself is such a hard task…_

“Jack,” she rose herself on her elbow. “Jack, listen, what if this will never change? Well, I mean, you will stay in my body and I in yours?”

“The first thing I will do, then, is to file for divorce from Rhys,” I grinned. “He called me gay.”


End file.
